I JUST WANT TO PRESS PAUSE

So yesterday A&D finished pre-school and will be going to the school nursery in September ready for school the following year.  It only seems like five minutes ago that I was writing this post yet here we are; they have done a whole school year, grown and developed in an indescribable way and made some lovely friends in the process.  However despite all this I feel a little bit sad and I just want to press the pause button; their life is passing by far too quickly.  A had got to the stage where she was running into pre-school and most mornings forgetting to even kiss me and in typical boy fashion D will let me kiss him and then wipe it off!  It was not so long ago that I could cuddle up with them for hours if I wanted to and now 10 minutes is my lot!  Oh how I wish I could go back to when they were tiny and enjoy them as babies instead of stressing so much about everything and feeling like I had something to prove.

A&D's pre-school presentation after their
olympic themed leavers party

Then there is Teeny's too.  I cannot believe that he will be 13 weeks old tomorrow.  Where did that go?  I have already had to force myself to take the wedge out of Teeny's car seat last week because he was so squashed up in it, but I was am so desperate to keep him small I hadn't been able to take it out.  I feel so sad that already he needs me less.  I know most people yearn for their baby to sleep  through the night and I am pretty sure I did with A&D (it was a very difference experience with them though), but I feel a little sad that, apart from the odd occasion, Teeny does not need to nurse during the night anymore.  It was our one time to have a sneaky little cuddle; for me to smell him and be in awe of the lovely little life before me without anybody to disturb us and now that is over far too quickly  Where has my teeny tiny squidgy baby gone?

Not So Squidgy

Maybe I am feeling it more because I know Teeny is very likely to be my last baby.  I don't think I will ever be one of those women who says they never want another baby, but at some point reality has to kick in.  I am not very materialistic, but I do not want us to struggle financially as they grow up and we are really not that well off now so as much as I would love to have more I think we would really struggle if we did.  I also want to have a new career vocation once they are all at school; I feel very blessed that we have a situation that works for us in that we both work and get to spend a great amount of time with our children, but the job that I will go back to after my maternity leave is the means to an end for us, you know a stopgap and not something I want to do for the rest of my life.  I want to do something meaningful that I am passionate about and for my children to see that passion in me.  I never want them to think that they have to settle.

I peruse so many "mommy blogs" which are beautiful and filled with love and endless hours of mommies doing so many wonderful things with their children and I really yearn for that kind of lifestyle because I don't want to have regrets about what I missed out on when my children were growing up, but I have no idea how to make that a reality.  I am by no means any kind of super housewife and I certainly don't live in a show home (if only), but a lot of the time life just takes over and I am desperate to relax and make more special time with the wonderful children I have and cherish them in every way possible.

I just want to press pause to keep them still and small and just hold them and never let them go, but even if it were possible it would be selfish.  I know that what I actually have to do is nurture them and encourage their independence so that when it is time their wings will open and they won't be afraid to fly.

I'm off now for a little cry...

"The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence."  DENIS WAITLEY