BITTERSWEET

Teeny's First Feed
Photo courtesy of Karen Pooler

 

Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy
Photograph courtesy of my lovely friend Julia

I remember it vividly, it was the summer of 2007 and 18 months before our twins arrived, talking about how I didn’t want to breastfeed any babies that we had; if I’m honest I was 25 and blinded by the sexualisation of women’s breasts in today’s society, but at the time I didn’t realise that.

 

So let’s fast forward three children later to now and I am pretty sure that our littlest has weaned so, with no plans to add any more children to our family, my journey as a breastfeeding mama is complete after having spent four of the last six years breastfeeding; our twins for 15 months and the littlest for 2 years 7½ months.

 

I am sat here trying to write down how I feel about the end of this journey and yet I don’t really know.  It is a whole mix of emotions.  Were somebody to ask me that question then of course my immediate answer would be sad.  Sad that this journey with Teeny is over, sad that a breastfeed no longer makes everything in his world better; I could have a list as long as my arm of why it makes me sad, but the most heart wrenching thing is that I will never ever breastfeed another baby ever again.  At this moment in time that thought makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

 

However when I spend a little more time pondering on how this time in my life makes me feel there are a whole host of other emotions wrapped up with this sadness.  I don’t say this very often, but I am so proud at having exclusively breastfed all three of our children for as long as they’ve wanted.  They are two particular times that are very prominent in my memory and those are my belief in my instinct, my body and our daughter that despite a 12% weight loss at day five there was no need to bow to the pressure to top her up with formula and then there is my post two year wobble with Teeny when, for a while, I wasn’t even sure how I felt about our continuing journey because breastfeeding past infancy/ natural term breastfeeding are not without their own challenges. 

 

Then of course I feel completely blessed; blessed to have had straight forward births, no medical complications and the best support from my husband, our families and the overwhelming majority of midwives and health visitors who cared for us which made our breastfeeding journey possible.

 

I’m also full of excitement; excited to watch Teeny grow and to get to know the boy and man he is set to become.  We have so many more milestones to reach together and we are just at a cross roads at the moment, not a dead end.  

 

Then of course I am excited about the journey that having been a breastfeeding mama continues to take me on; I might be at the end of my own breastfeeding journey, but as a salaried and volunteer NHS breastfeeding peer supporter and vice chair of our local hospital’s MSLC I have the huge privilege of being able to support families at the start of their journey into breastfeeding and parenthood.   This is just the beginning of another journey for me and at the moment I am unsure of the destination, but I hope it will be as long and fulfilling as my own breastfeeding journey with many a twist and turn along the way and without being a breastfeeding mama I would never have taken this amazing path in life.

 

Finally and importantly I feel immense gratitude for my babies who were the catalyst for an amazing journey that continues despite those babies no longer being breastfed and of course I am grateful to everybody who has encouraged, supported, empowered, educated and reached out to me throughout this journey and even to those who have judged or criticised because those judgements and criticisms only serve to make me more determined to be the change.

 

 

7/52 MAKING THE MOST OF YOU

There really is no running theme for this week's photographs.  I'm making the most of  being off work for half term as it means that we can slow down a little and I can enjoy some quality time with the children, particularly A&D who seem to be at school far too much for my liking.

 

This first photo is exactly what I saw when I walked into the living room on Thursday.  How did he learn to do this?  My heart was literally in my mouth while Teeny was just super impressed with himself. 

 

At the window!

We had A's dance class and two birthday parties this Saturday.  I'm not quite sure how or when it happened, but our weekends now seem to mostly revolve around our kids' social schedule.

Bubbles
At Freya's 2nd birthday party

 

In uniform
At Grace's 2nd birthday party

On Monday, as it was at half term, I finally got to take you to the new Library of Birmingham.  You went with Daddy one day when I was working not long after it opened, but I hadn't been lucky enough to go with you before now.  Today we decided to take Teeny to nursery for a few hours and then the three of us went into town on the train.  Our new library is such a lovely place to explore from top to bottom; to snuggle up on the story steps in the children's library downstairs right up  to being able see the view across the city from the top and then, of course, there all of the lovely vantage points and nooks and crannies in between to be examined.  It should also be mentioned that with all of the light being let through those floor to ceiling windows and all of the different shapes, angles and colours it is perfect for taking lots of lovely photographs especially when you remember to take the correct lens (which I did not.)

Holding Hands

Its a long way down.

Books, glorious books.

Pretty In Pink

Taking a break.

At the Top!

'Red' any good books lately.

Looking Up!

Twin Telepathy
(They chose the same books from different areas of the children's library,)

6/52 TOGETHER

I miss your babyhoods so much.  I miss the endless breastfeeding and you wanting to just snuggle up on my lap for hours and not being able to move from the sofa.  I miss watching the sun come up after a sleepless night and long daytime naps; your wrinkly rolls of chub and toothless gums.  It makes me sad to think that sometimes those memories will not be so fresh in my mind, but we are making new memories all of the time. Memories of the relationships between the three of you growing; the way you cuddle up on the sofa together and the way Teeny calls A and D from the bottom of the stairs and can't quite pronounce the 's' at the end of his sister's name.  I love the way our beautiful girl mothers her little brother (even if the fear of her breaking his arms because of the way she tries to lift and guide him makes me feel a little sick at times).  The way the three of you play together with our big boy's castle and his desperation to teach his little brother all of the things he knows. Our littlest always sucking in his cheeks accompanying his needs to kiss everybody special to him before he leaves the room and his repetition of the word "cud-tle" to those very people he adores so much. 

 

These tiny moments in amongst the chaos are what makes my heart sing every day. 

 

Thank you my little loves.

 

xxx

 

The best big sister

Riding home from school

Colouring Together
 

3/52 A WEEK OF CUDDLES

When looking for photographs for this week's post there weren't that many, but there appeared to be a running theme of cuddles.  It wasn't a conscious choice, but it happened nonetheless and I imagine this has a lot to do with our youngest.

 

Teeny has always been a cuddly baby child, but since December his speech has come on at a rate of knots and with it a greater understanding of him by many of the people around him.  We have literally gone from understanding very little of what he says to being able to have conversations with him and it has become clear that "tuddle" (cuddle) is probably his favourite word.

 

He really is such a sweet and affectionate little boy and we are so blessed that he is ours.  He completes our family so perfectly and his love for those around him, especially his brother and sister sometimes make me feel like my heart might explode at any moment.

 

Beep Beep Dan'da (Grandad)

More beep beeping Grandad's nose 

Making up.

My Hero

YOUR FIRST WEDDING

A - 365
D - 365
Teeny - 365

Today the three of you got to attend your very first wedding and what a wedding it was.  We were so privileged and honoured to be part of what was such a beautiful and touching occasion and I am so grateful to Alex and Claire for allowing us to share their day with them.

EXPLORATION

Teeny - 365

As you get older and more steady you are really enjoying exploring our home.  I had forgotten how interesting the simplest things can become when they are looked at from a child's perspective.

RUNNING

Teeny - 365

Neurotic mother alert!

 

I think this is probably the first time I have seen you run.  To be honest I'm glad I wasn't there at the time because I would have been too frightened of you falling on the slabs to have allowed it, let alone been laid back enough to take a photograph of you doing it.

CANDY STRIPE

Teeny - 365

These PJs came 3000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean for you from my dear Auntie Lyn.  She sent them for your naming day gift and I couldn't wait for you to wear them, but they have been too big until now.  They were worth the wait though; from the smile on your face it looks like you love them as much as I do.

MAKING DINNER

A - 365

You often like to help me with my jobs in the house and so today you and D made your own dinner.  Granted it was only pizza (using a wrap for the base and some left over veggies and meat that were in the fridge), but nonetheless you were very proud to have made it by yourself and rightly so.

SITTING STILL

Teeny - 365

I have noticed recently that your attention span has grown somewhat and you seem happy to snuggle in with your brother and sister to watch the television for a little while if it is on or to listen to music or to sit at the little table in the living room and play with the toy food.  This is just another reminder to me that you are growing up so fast.  My beautiful baby is slowly disappearing before my eyes and whilst I miss him terribly I am enjoying getting to know the lovely little boy who appears in his place.

19:33

A - 365

D - 365

I find you two being at school emotionally exhausting, you two, on the other hand, find it physically exhausting.  Three minutes after Daddy put you to bed I came in to give you a quick kiss and this is how I found you.

FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL

A - 365
D - 365

How did this happen?  How did you two get old enough to go to school?  In spite of the fact that you have both, at times, driven me mad over the summer break I am just not ready for this moment; this day has come around far too quickly for me.  Today was hard, but I know that I will be feeling it so much more tomorrow when I am not at work and have too much time on my hands.

UNCHARTERED TERRITORY

Teeny - 365

We are down to around one booby (or booba as you call it) per day now; usually at bedtime on the four evenings I don't work and mid morning on the days I do my evening hours.  It is extremely rare for you to fall asleep at the breast at bedtime now though and on the odd occasion that you do, like today, I wonder whether it will be the last and it sends me on a train of thought about where our breastfeeding journey is heading. 

 

I am well and truly into uncharted territory now you see; by the time your brother and sister hit 15 months they really weren't very interested in feeding from me anymore and, if I am honest, probably hadn't been for a while.  I am so thankful that our breastfeeding journey is still going and I think I would quite like it if you and I could get to your second birthday, but I am not sure how I feel personally about anything beyond that.  I am not at all against "extended" feeding (I do hate that phrase though, why is It extended and not just normal?), but our breastfeeding experiences are very personal to us and as happy and unphased as I am by seeing somebody feeding a child beyond their second year I just don't know I would feel about actually doing it myself. 

 

We shall just have to wait and see where this road takes us I suppose.

SHE PUSHES ME

Teeny - 365

Today, for the first time, you tried out your brother's hand me down Smart Trike and this is your reaction, made all the more sweet by the fact that it was your sister who insisted on pushing you around on it. I am sure I wouldn't have got quite this reaction!

ALL KINDS OF SHOES

So today we went shopping for new shoes, all kinds of shoes!



A - 365

School Shoes!

 

D - 365

Smart Shoes (& School Shoes)!

 

Teeny - 365

First Shoes!

 

 

Happy Shoes!

HAIR CUT

Teeny - 365

Normally jobs such as first haircuts would fall to me, but when you are tired or upset you tend to pull out your hair and eat it so I asked Daddy to take you to have your haircut while I was at work this afternoon in an attempt to distract you from it.  Here is the result; my baby is all grown up.

TRYING THEM OUT FOR SIZE

A - 365

D - 365

Today we went and met with your teachers in preparation for when you two start school in a couple of weeks.  While we were there we bought book bags and jumpers with the school logo on and of course you were both so excited to try them out when you got home.

KEEP GOING

Teeny - 365

Now that you are walking there is no stopping you, but just like in this picture you often don't know when to slow down.  Now would be good!

OUT OF NOWHERE

Teeny - 365

At boob club today you walked the furthest you have ever walked; a whole eights steps before you plonked yourself on the floor. Then this evening when I turned my back for a few minutes to put the dinner on I looked up over the stair gate on the kitchen door this is where I saw you; this from the child who before today was not capable of walking more than a couple of steps or of climbing on the sofa.

BOYS CLUB

Teeny - 365

There are only a few weeks or so between you and this lovely little man, but to me he always seems so much more grown up than you.  I adore how you are reaching out to him in this picture and as desperate as I am to for you to stay little if I am honest I know that you won't actually be little for much longer; you are changing and learning new things so quickly at the moment that I cannot even keep up, but one of the things I do look forward to as you grow is to seeing you develop friendships and particularly to watching you two play together in the coming months.  I wonder what mischief you will get up  to together.