BITTERSWEET

Teeny's First Feed
Photo courtesy of Karen Pooler

 

Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy
Photograph courtesy of my lovely friend Julia

I remember it vividly, it was the summer of 2007 and 18 months before our twins arrived, talking about how I didn’t want to breastfeed any babies that we had; if I’m honest I was 25 and blinded by the sexualisation of women’s breasts in today’s society, but at the time I didn’t realise that.

 

So let’s fast forward three children later to now and I am pretty sure that our littlest has weaned so, with no plans to add any more children to our family, my journey as a breastfeeding mama is complete after having spent four of the last six years breastfeeding; our twins for 15 months and the littlest for 2 years 7½ months.

 

I am sat here trying to write down how I feel about the end of this journey and yet I don’t really know.  It is a whole mix of emotions.  Were somebody to ask me that question then of course my immediate answer would be sad.  Sad that this journey with Teeny is over, sad that a breastfeed no longer makes everything in his world better; I could have a list as long as my arm of why it makes me sad, but the most heart wrenching thing is that I will never ever breastfeed another baby ever again.  At this moment in time that thought makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

 

However when I spend a little more time pondering on how this time in my life makes me feel there are a whole host of other emotions wrapped up with this sadness.  I don’t say this very often, but I am so proud at having exclusively breastfed all three of our children for as long as they’ve wanted.  They are two particular times that are very prominent in my memory and those are my belief in my instinct, my body and our daughter that despite a 12% weight loss at day five there was no need to bow to the pressure to top her up with formula and then there is my post two year wobble with Teeny when, for a while, I wasn’t even sure how I felt about our continuing journey because breastfeeding past infancy/ natural term breastfeeding are not without their own challenges. 

 

Then of course I feel completely blessed; blessed to have had straight forward births, no medical complications and the best support from my husband, our families and the overwhelming majority of midwives and health visitors who cared for us which made our breastfeeding journey possible.

 

I’m also full of excitement; excited to watch Teeny grow and to get to know the boy and man he is set to become.  We have so many more milestones to reach together and we are just at a cross roads at the moment, not a dead end.  

 

Then of course I am excited about the journey that having been a breastfeeding mama continues to take me on; I might be at the end of my own breastfeeding journey, but as a salaried and volunteer NHS breastfeeding peer supporter and vice chair of our local hospital’s MSLC I have the huge privilege of being able to support families at the start of their journey into breastfeeding and parenthood.   This is just the beginning of another journey for me and at the moment I am unsure of the destination, but I hope it will be as long and fulfilling as my own breastfeeding journey with many a twist and turn along the way and without being a breastfeeding mama I would never have taken this amazing path in life.

 

Finally and importantly I feel immense gratitude for my babies who were the catalyst for an amazing journey that continues despite those babies no longer being breastfed and of course I am grateful to everybody who has encouraged, supported, empowered, educated and reached out to me throughout this journey and even to those who have judged or criticised because those judgements and criticisms only serve to make me more determined to be the change.

 

 

BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS WEEK 2013 - DAY TWO

Here is today's breastfeeding picture in honour of Breastfeeding Awareness Week.

 

 

This is Teeny's first breastfeed; snuggled up on our sofa after a gorgeous water birth at home.  

 

I remember, throughout my pregnancy, looking forward to this moment so much.  What a different feeling to how I felt about breastfeeding with A&D.  It is funny to think now that when I was pregnant with them I knew I should try it and that it would be good for them, but I was very non-committal and not really interested in it. 

 

It is amazing how quickly things can change, believe it or not if you'd have told me four and half years ago that my biggest passion after my family would be supporting families with breastfeeding and birth choice I would have laughed in your face!

TEENY AS YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE AT 39+4

Brand spanking new!

Just a quick post to say that Teeny was born at home in water on Sunday 29 April 2012 at 13.52 weighing 7lb 6oz. 

He is absolutely delicious and I want him to stay squidgy forever.

TEENY'S BUMP SHOOT AT 37+0

My sister in law not only has a knack for making and raising beautiful children, but also for taking beautiful photographs and, being the lovely person that she is, she spent the day with us a few weeks ago taking some photographs of A, D and Teeny.  Oh and of course of me!

I had already seen a few of them, but today she gave me a disc of her favourites and I am absolutely blown away by the end result so I just HAD to share a few.

Looking at these photographs now and seeing how lovely they are (I don't often say that about photographs of myself) I can't believe  that I almost didn't have them taken.  Yes, believe it or not in typical pregnant and PCOS woman style I was feeling so hormonal and horrible the night before I actually almost cancelled and was then gently persuaded otherwise.

So Karen thank you so much for being so patient with me and for making such wonderful memories for us all to cherish not only of my pregnancy, but also of A & D's love for me because they have been such hard work lately that sometimes I forget!

TEENY AT 36+3 READY TO PARTY WITH THEIR BROTHER AND SISTER

We were going to the 60th birthday party of the father of a friend of mine here.  A&D rarely get to go to "grown up parties" because they are used to being in bed and asleep by 7.30 and so just get too tired, but I had really wanted to celebrate Andrew's birthday with him and we didn't have a babysitter so I relented given that we would be taking the car and I wouldn't be drinking anyway.

I am really proud to report that A&D behaved beautifully and had a ball.  You couldn't get A off the dance floor and she was very pleased to be the only one there so you can imagine her disgust when we came back from the bathroom to find it full and she was having to lurk at the edge.  To say that she was put out was an understatement!

(A LITTLE BIT NAKEY) TEENY AT 34+5

Apologies for the exposure of flesh, but I do love my bump and it won't be here for much longer.

Oh and as an aside my little lady looks so grown up.  Where has my baby girl gone?  Time is just going too quickly.

FEELING DESPONDENT

I will post properly when I can see through the tears, but basically after fairly smooth sailing regarding my request for a home birth we seem to have hit a bit of a brick wall due to staffing shortages at the local midwife led unit which means they get the on call midwives and I am expected to go there if there isn't a midwife for me. 

I can't just sit on my hands and wait and hope for the best once the time arrives because that isn't good for my stress levels so it seems that my only option is to fight which is really not what I should have to do at all and is definitely not what I need or want to be doing with six weeks to go!

TEENY AT 31+3

So here is Teeny at 31+3 (with much needed haircut at long last). 

Seriously though where is the time going?  It is funny how different a second pregnancy is to a first.  As excited as I am and as much as I love being pregnant there is definitely no time to romanticise about it like you can the first time round.  Two pre-schoolers just do not allow for that.  Although they more than make up for it with their heart melting requests to kiss the baby or cuddle it and their little tales of what they are going to show or teach the baby when it comes. 

Long may the love continue.

TEENY AT 28+2

Ok so still in need of that haircut mentioned in the last picture, but here is an updated bump picture taken last Friday.

I am so pleased to say that, despite having to go in for a trace last Tuesday as Teeny was being unusually lazy, Teeny is doing really well and yes you guessed it as soon as I arrived at the hospital for said trace they were dancing around like there was no tomorrow.  Although I did feel very reassured having had what the midwife referred to as "a beautiful trace".

I also had my 28 week check last week and everything was as perfect as it can be at this stage.  Nothing showing in my urine, bloods came back lovely, bump measuring 28.5, heard a lovely heartbeat and Teeny is head down (for now).  I had nobody to have A&D so had to take them with me which I wasn't looking forward to, but I was really glad that it happened that way.  They do have their moments and I tend to focus on those a lot, but I was so proud of them when we went to see the midwife; they behaved beautifully and were really interested in everything that was going on.  They loved hearing Teeny's heartbeat and stood with their heads peering over the bed while the midwife found it and measured my fundal height.  I even had to explain to my inquisitive daughter the reason why I had to give the midwife a urine sample which was interesting.

Now I just hope that all stays well and uncomplicated because, as much as I am trying to stay level headed and sensible about it all, I am finding myself getting extremely excited at the prospect of a home birth and I can see me being quite heartbroken if it doesn't go according to plan.  Yes I know that in the grand scheme of things all that really matters is that Teeny gets here safe and sound, but a home birth is so important to us as a family especially as we really want A&D to be involved too.  On that note what really surprises me is that they are not in the least bit freaked out by watching women in labour on the TV, but then again why would they be I suppose?  They are innocent children and I guess that because I haven't made a fuss and have answered whatever questions they have had honestly (but in simple terms) it is just normal to them.  We also have a beautifully illustrated children's story book called Hello Baby told from the perspective of a little boy whose mommy is having a home birth and they really like it.  We are just going to play it by ear with them though and if at any point it doesn't feel right for us or them that they are there then they will go to Nanny's for a while. 

Whatever the outcome though we are all so excited about the impending arrival of our new addition and we feel incredibly blessed.

TEENY AT 24+4

It really is about time that Teeny made another appearance on this blog as I seem to be lacking in bump pictures so here they are yesterday on our trip to the park.  Granted it really is not the most flattering picture of me and I look huge as well as needing a good haircut, but hey ho Teeny is doing well so who am I to complain?

TEENY AT 20+2

I would like to be able to say that Teeny is always this glamorously adorned, however given that I have two three year olds I am sure none of you would ever believe me.  Work's Christmas party on Friday was just an ideal opportunity for a bump picture.

TEENY AT 16+2



And just as a little comparison  this is me at 16+6 when I was pregnant with A&D.

Well this pregnancy all of a sudden seems to be flying by. I had my 16 week midwife check up on Wednesday and am pleased to report that all is fine with me. I also got to hear Teeny's heartbeat galloping away; I had forgotten what a wonderful sound that is and what a relief it is to hear.  I really wish my lovely husband could have been there to hear it.  Even though this is my second pregnancy I still find the whole experience of being pregnant amazing and want him to share all of that with me. (Sorry if that is a bit soppy for some of you and makes you want to vomit!)

My community midwife was off sick which normally would frustrate me a little, however we are, touch wood, planning a homebirth this time so actually it worked out quite well as I got to meet two other members of the community team so now have a greater chance of having met the midwives who will deliver me and am pleased to report that they were both quite up for and positive about my choice which put me even more at ease in our decision.

Am really looking forward to my 20 week scan in a few weeks time as then we will then tell A&D about Teeny over Christmas and I can't wait to see their reaction.  D is so gentle and adorable with babies and A is a bit obsessed with them at the moment so will be fun to see what they say about it all, although I fear that I will spend the remainder of my pregnancy answering the same question over and over again about when the baby is coming. 

We have decided that we aren't finding out the flavour this time as we only did with A&D for practical reasons and we I really want a surprise, although our current bets are on a boy, but think that is probably because we have no idea at all what we would name a girl.  All (sensible) contributions/ suggestions welcome on that point!!

TEENY AT 13+5

Oh dear I think I am gonna be huge! ;)

WELL I NEVER. IT ACTUALLY WORKS

The IT in the title of this post refers to my body.

I have PCOS you see and A&D were conceived with the help of the drug Clomid  combined with follicle tracking and blood tests because before they were born I don't remember a time when I ever knowingly ovulated on my own.  I was very lucky in that my journey on the fertility treatment road was a relatively short one in comparison to a lot of women and I didn't have to fight for referral or treatment as a lot of women do.

After A&D were born we weren't sure whether we wanted more children,  but I didn't want to pump my body full of hormones either until we were sure about what we wanted because I was keen to be able to see what (if anything) my cycles were doing so the only choice I really had contraception wise was an IUD which to be fair I got on with quite well.  After lots of talking over quite a long time I had my IUD taken out in June of this year just so that we could just see what my body was doing with a view to trying for another baby at some point in the future and just seeing what, if anything, happened. 

Well to our absolute disbelief, but sheer delight I am now 12 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  I have read of and heard of quite a few women who had fertility treatment and a tough journey first time round, but then got pregnant naturally and fairly easily second time round, but never ever dreamed that I would be one of them especially given that ironically my ovaries seem to have improved, but all of my other PCOS symptoms see to be a million times worse since giving birth to A&D. 

A little bit of hope
12+1

Having been through fertility treatment and the inability to conceive on my own this pregnancy is tinged with a little bit of guilt at having conceived so easily because I struggled so much with my feelings about pregnancy announcements whilst trying to conceive (TTC) first time round and even after A&D were born and so I really feel for those women going through those feelings and the horrible journey that is TTC with fertility issues.  In fact just before this little miracle was conceived I wrote the following in a notepad because I was having quite a tough time not through desperation for another child because we were not actively TTC, but in mourning of my inability to conceive a child without help.

"August 2011"

"Despite the fact that our journey through fertility treatment wasn't a particularly complicated one compared to what some couples go through I have never come to terms with the fact that I wasn't able to conceive my children naturally and so, irrational as it may be, with every pregnancy announcement comes another kick in the stomach.  I thought that I understood those sickly, stomach churning and gut wrenching feelings when we were TTC and I always assumed that they were because i didn't have a child of my own and I wasn't sure that I ever would.  So once A&D were born I thought that those feelings that accompanied somebody's pregnancy announcement  would not longer be there, but I could not have been more wrong."

"Since having A&D every pregnancy announcement of a friend or family member has been quickly followed by a huge feeling of inadequacy on my part and also a huge sense of guilt that I cannot just be genuinely and unconditionally happy for them.  Every announcement, including this week's, just makes me want to cry and I become consumed with jealously and resentment which probably in part is because everybody really close to me who has had children since I found out I had PCOS have conceived those children mostly by just looking at their other half (ok not literally, but you get where I am coming from) and even though I would not wish fertility issues on anybody, sometimes I secretly long for somebody in the real world to talk to about it all and who understands my bitterness even though it is completely uncalled for and unnecessary.  On that note though must say that I am so lucky to have the girls on the boards at Verity to sound off to.  Verity is an amazing charity supporting PCOS sufferers and I would be lost without them."

"The most recent pregnancy announcement comes from a couple who i can hand on heart tell you that I utterly adore.  They are two of our best friends and are a very special part of our lives and  to be honest I had already sort of guessed anyway so I am not quite sure their announcement hit me like a bolt from the blue, but all I know is that it really did..."

I know that my friend who I talk about here has this blog address, although am not sure if she ever checks it, but I am sure that if she does and is reading this she will appreciate what I am saying here and that no matter what my initial feelings were when I found out that she was expecting I will love that little one like I do her other daughter and would have done even if I were not pregnant now.  If you are reading this honey I love you all very much, but you know that I struggle sometimes.

So there it is, maybe this will exercise some demons for me I do not know.  Believe me I have heard all of the cliche's about chilling out and not stressing and then it will happen, but  TTC, especially when you have no children at all, can be all consuming because you have so many unanswered questions so if you can identify with this post in some way I will not patronise you will all of those cliches, but just please never ever give up hope,