BITTERSWEET

Teeny's First Feed
Photo courtesy of Karen Pooler

 

Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy
Photograph courtesy of my lovely friend Julia

I remember it vividly, it was the summer of 2007 and 18 months before our twins arrived, talking about how I didn’t want to breastfeed any babies that we had; if I’m honest I was 25 and blinded by the sexualisation of women’s breasts in today’s society, but at the time I didn’t realise that.

 

So let’s fast forward three children later to now and I am pretty sure that our littlest has weaned so, with no plans to add any more children to our family, my journey as a breastfeeding mama is complete after having spent four of the last six years breastfeeding; our twins for 15 months and the littlest for 2 years 7½ months.

 

I am sat here trying to write down how I feel about the end of this journey and yet I don’t really know.  It is a whole mix of emotions.  Were somebody to ask me that question then of course my immediate answer would be sad.  Sad that this journey with Teeny is over, sad that a breastfeed no longer makes everything in his world better; I could have a list as long as my arm of why it makes me sad, but the most heart wrenching thing is that I will never ever breastfeed another baby ever again.  At this moment in time that thought makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

 

However when I spend a little more time pondering on how this time in my life makes me feel there are a whole host of other emotions wrapped up with this sadness.  I don’t say this very often, but I am so proud at having exclusively breastfed all three of our children for as long as they’ve wanted.  They are two particular times that are very prominent in my memory and those are my belief in my instinct, my body and our daughter that despite a 12% weight loss at day five there was no need to bow to the pressure to top her up with formula and then there is my post two year wobble with Teeny when, for a while, I wasn’t even sure how I felt about our continuing journey because breastfeeding past infancy/ natural term breastfeeding are not without their own challenges. 

 

Then of course I feel completely blessed; blessed to have had straight forward births, no medical complications and the best support from my husband, our families and the overwhelming majority of midwives and health visitors who cared for us which made our breastfeeding journey possible.

 

I’m also full of excitement; excited to watch Teeny grow and to get to know the boy and man he is set to become.  We have so many more milestones to reach together and we are just at a cross roads at the moment, not a dead end.  

 

Then of course I am excited about the journey that having been a breastfeeding mama continues to take me on; I might be at the end of my own breastfeeding journey, but as a salaried and volunteer NHS breastfeeding peer supporter and vice chair of our local hospital’s MSLC I have the huge privilege of being able to support families at the start of their journey into breastfeeding and parenthood.   This is just the beginning of another journey for me and at the moment I am unsure of the destination, but I hope it will be as long and fulfilling as my own breastfeeding journey with many a twist and turn along the way and without being a breastfeeding mama I would never have taken this amazing path in life.

 

Finally and importantly I feel immense gratitude for my babies who were the catalyst for an amazing journey that continues despite those babies no longer being breastfed and of course I am grateful to everybody who has encouraged, supported, empowered, educated and reached out to me throughout this journey and even to those who have judged or criticised because those judgements and criticisms only serve to make me more determined to be the change.

 

 

14/52



Celebration Assembly
(without Daddy, hence the sad face.)

Breastfeeding our Babies

Baker Boys

Sweets for my sweet, (icing) sugar for my honey.

Such concentration

Craziness by Daddy!

1/52 A NEW YEAR AND A NEW PROJECT

Those of you who follow this blog will know that I really struggled to keep up with my 365 project last year and that I still have what feels like a million photographs in folders on the laptop that I am still ploughing away at blogging so there was always going to be very little chance of me undertaking another one this year.  However despite my 2013 365 project not being what I had hoped it would be I hate the idea of not having a project to focus me on photographing and blogging the moments of delight in our everyday life and so this year I have scaled down the project somewhat to a 52 project.  This project will probably mostly be focused on the children, but certainly not limited to the children as it was last year; it will simply be one post at the end of each week containing some our favourite photographs and moments from the past week.

 

So here is 1/52.  Enjoy!

 

Happy New Year

Breastfeeding

Selfie

Brotherly love

Bathtime antics

Nigh' nigh'!

'Ello, I'm on the phone!

BOO-BA?

Teeny - 365

No son, that would be your belly!

UNCHARTERED TERRITORY

Teeny - 365

We are down to around one booby (or booba as you call it) per day now; usually at bedtime on the four evenings I don't work and mid morning on the days I do my evening hours.  It is extremely rare for you to fall asleep at the breast at bedtime now though and on the odd occasion that you do, like today, I wonder whether it will be the last and it sends me on a train of thought about where our breastfeeding journey is heading. 

 

I am well and truly into uncharted territory now you see; by the time your brother and sister hit 15 months they really weren't very interested in feeding from me anymore and, if I am honest, probably hadn't been for a while.  I am so thankful that our breastfeeding journey is still going and I think I would quite like it if you and I could get to your second birthday, but I am not sure how I feel personally about anything beyond that.  I am not at all against "extended" feeding (I do hate that phrase though, why is It extended and not just normal?), but our breastfeeding experiences are very personal to us and as happy and unphased as I am by seeing somebody feeding a child beyond their second year I just don't know I would feel about actually doing it myself. 

 

We shall just have to wait and see where this road takes us I suppose.

MY INCREDIBLE HULK

D - 365

I don't usually work on Saturdays, but today was different; it was the fourth birthday of The You+ Shop which is where I am based for my day job.  It was a community event so Daddy brought you and your brother and sister to join us for the last hour and while you were here you had smoothies, birthday cake and of course you had your face painted as none other than The Hulk, obvious choice really because after all he is GREEN!

AND GEORGE CAME TOO

Teeny - 365

With the chaos of our days sometimes I am so grateful for this time when you have sleepy night time booby and even on the odd occasion that you wake me for it I really do not mind even when you insist on George Pig joining us.

LOVELY HORMONES

Teeny - 365

Sometimes when those nasty teeth wake Teeny late at night and nothing else will do we resort to the magic that is boob.  Judge me if you will, but the release of all those lovely hormones settle a baby in no time and then we all get to go back to sleep quickly and it's the only way (other than the obvious) that you can burn calories while being laid down in bed.

THE START OF SOMETHING NEW

Those of you who know me will know that one of my passions is breastfeeding peer support and you will also know that I have volunteered, quite avidly, in this capacity for coming up to almost four years.  Today, however, is very special; I am now OFFICIALLY employed as a Breastfeeding Peer Supporter for my local NHS trust.  I will still be working the 16 hours that I already work during the evenings, but on Mondays and Fridays I will work as a peer supporter which means that Teeny will be doing a day and a half at nursery, although all three of the children were at home with Daddy today. 

 

The job involves me being based in the community supporting women (and their families) in the antenatal and postnatal periods and I literally cannot wait.  It has been difficult sorting out childcare and finances and tax codes and the like (we are, quite frustratingly, no better off financially), but now that everything is pretty much in place I am really looking forward to getting my teeth into the role and to having a job that I will absolutely love.

 

Consequently though today (and for the foreseeable future) things have been and are likely to be a bit chaotic so I imagine there will be lots of last minute photos, photos taken by Daddy or photos taken by me on my phone, but I will try my best to keep up as much I can.

 

Unfortunately today though, these three photos are the only ones I have.

A - 365

So here is A cleaning the inside of the car for me.

 

D - 365

Here D is watching his sister as she shows him how to use the new vacuum to clean where he needs to.



Teeny - 365

Teeny is practicing his standing here; I don't think it will be long now before he is walking.

HOLDING ON TIGHT

Teeny - 365

Bedtime booby is not what it was; for you to fall asleep at the breast like this at bedtime is a pretty rare occurrence nowadays, but what gets me about this photo, and what I hadn't noticed at the time of taking it, isn't just that you are asleep, but it is the way that you are holding on to my top as if your life depended on it.  Fist clenched tight as though if it weren't I might run away at any moment.

NEW CHAPTER

Today was my first day working from home and the start of a new chapter in the life of our family.  In a couple of weeks I will also be starting a job share as a breastfeeding peer supporter; working two days per week in addition to my evening job and Teeny will be starting nursery for a day and a half per week.  Finally, in mid September A&D will start full time school in their respective reception classes.  There will be quite a bit of upheaval in the short term, but in the long term we are sure that these changes are a really positive step for our family.

 

To mark this new chapter and given that I am not normally here at bedtime on Tuesdays (I am normally in the office working) I took the opportunity to take three quick photos before the Tiddlers turned in for the night.

 

A - 365

D - 365



Teeny - 365

BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS WEEK 2013 - DAY SEVEN



 

This is the final photograph in my little series to celebrate Breastfeeding Awareness Week.

 

Granted, this isn't the best quality photograph, but I really love it.  It was taken at my lovely mother in law's 70th birthday party, so Teeny would have been 11 days off 13 months old and this is what I call snuggly boob.  It was way past his bedtime and he was tired and so *gasp* he was feeding for comfort, but you know what?  That's ok!! Even though there are plenty of parenting "gurus" who will tell you otherwise I am telling you now that the world will not end if you feed your baby for comfort.  Yes I could have let him cry, but what would that have achieved?  I tell you what a stressed out mommy and a very distressed baby.  This is the beauty of breastfeeding; it can be used to calm a baby who is hungry, tired, teething, feverish......the list is endless.  Mother nature made it that way.  Isn't she clever?

BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS WEEK 2013 - DAY SIX

This is the penultimate photograph in my little week long project.

 

 

I wanted to include this photograph because it was taken at Teeny's first birthday/naming day celebrations*  Its really special for me that there is a photograph of me nursing him on his big day.

 

*Photograph taken by our lovely photographer for the day, Nasar Hussain (Cropped and edited by me.  Sorry!)

BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS WEEK 2013 - DAY FIVE

And here we have the fifth photograph in my series of seven.

 

This photo of me breastfeeding Teeny (not that you can tell) was taken in line to see Father Christmas at Thomas Land where we had gone as a treat for A&D's fourth birthday.  That's one of the great things about breastfeeding; you can do it completely on the go  which is a necessity when buzzing around a theme park with two (not quite) four year olds.  After all there's "no time to stop Mommy".

BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS WEEK 2013 - DAY FOUR

Today's gorgeous photograph, the fourth in my little series of photographs celebrating Breastfeeding Awareness Week, is courtesy of my lovely sister in law

 

 

Breastfeeding doesn't just have to be about baby and Mommy.  It can be something special for Daddy too.

BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS WEEK 2013 - DAY THREE

Here is the photograph I have chosen for day three.

This photograph was taken whilst on holiday in Woolacombe last year; Teeny would have been a little over four months old. 

 

A&D were having a fabulous time in the pool, but I had a hungry baby and my choices were to:-

a) have a crying baby in the pool;

b) get out and miss out on all the fun;

c) get everybody out and have two cold and unhappy children to deal with

or

d) feed Teeny whilst in the pool.

 

So for me it was a no brainer and I fed him.  Teeny was satisfied, nobody missed out and A&D stayed in the pool for a while longer until they were ready to leave.  Everybody was happy, nobody around us batted an eyelid and I got a photograph to add to my weird and wonderful places I have breastfed collection.  Perfect!

BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS WEEK 2013 - DAY TWO

Here is today's breastfeeding picture in honour of Breastfeeding Awareness Week.

 

 

This is Teeny's first breastfeed; snuggled up on our sofa after a gorgeous water birth at home.  

 

I remember, throughout my pregnancy, looking forward to this moment so much.  What a different feeling to how I felt about breastfeeding with A&D.  It is funny to think now that when I was pregnant with them I knew I should try it and that it would be good for them, but I was very non-committal and not really interested in it. 

 

It is amazing how quickly things can change, believe it or not if you'd have told me four and half years ago that my biggest passion after my family would be supporting families with breastfeeding and birth choice I would have laughed in your face!

BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS WEEK 2013 - DAY ONE

So today and for the rest of the week, in honour of Breastfeeding Awareness Week which seems to be being celebrated at varying times throughout the month of June, I will be posting a breastfeeding photo per day.

So here is today's...

 

This is one of only two photographs I think I have of me feeding A&D and I think I may have posted it elsewhere on this blog at some point.  My mother in law took both of the photographs I have when A&D were just four days old (I think!) and at the time I hated them because breastfeeding and being a mommy was very new to me and I was oh so very aware of being completely exposed. 

 

How times change, now I am eternally grateful for those two very precious photographs.  I will get my boobs out anywhere (for a baby who needs feeding) and couldn't care less what people think.  Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now.

POST BOOBY HAZE

Teeny - 89/365

When you were squidgy I used to love it when you (and your brother and sister before you) were booby drunk, as it is affectionately labelled in our house.  It's that thing when you have had a three course meal type breastfeed and fallen in asleep at the breast and are completely flush faced and floppy.  Now that you are older and not having as many feeds we don't often get booby drunk anymore, but we do get post booby haze.  It's those few moments after a breastfeed when you stay snuggled in and are quiet and still and calm.  Oh how thankful I am for these moments and how I will miss them when they are gone.  It looks a little like this.

DRAWING TO A CLOSE

Teeny - 72/365

I know that evenings like this one are rapidly drawing to a close because I am going back to work in a little under three weeks.  So for four nights per week you will be going to bed for Daddy with a cup of my expressed milk (soon to be followed by a cup of cow's milk once you hit one because despite having a perfectly adequate milk supply my ability to express is absolutely dire!).  I feel so sad that I won't be able to feed you at bedtime and then put you to bed that I am really milking (excuse the pun) the time I have with you; sitting cuddling and snuggling and dozing with you until I really HAVE to put you to bed.