BITTERSWEET

Teeny's First Feed
Photo courtesy of Karen Pooler

 

Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy
Photograph courtesy of my lovely friend Julia

I remember it vividly, it was the summer of 2007 and 18 months before our twins arrived, talking about how I didn’t want to breastfeed any babies that we had; if I’m honest I was 25 and blinded by the sexualisation of women’s breasts in today’s society, but at the time I didn’t realise that.

 

So let’s fast forward three children later to now and I am pretty sure that our littlest has weaned so, with no plans to add any more children to our family, my journey as a breastfeeding mama is complete after having spent four of the last six years breastfeeding; our twins for 15 months and the littlest for 2 years 7½ months.

 

I am sat here trying to write down how I feel about the end of this journey and yet I don’t really know.  It is a whole mix of emotions.  Were somebody to ask me that question then of course my immediate answer would be sad.  Sad that this journey with Teeny is over, sad that a breastfeed no longer makes everything in his world better; I could have a list as long as my arm of why it makes me sad, but the most heart wrenching thing is that I will never ever breastfeed another baby ever again.  At this moment in time that thought makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

 

However when I spend a little more time pondering on how this time in my life makes me feel there are a whole host of other emotions wrapped up with this sadness.  I don’t say this very often, but I am so proud at having exclusively breastfed all three of our children for as long as they’ve wanted.  They are two particular times that are very prominent in my memory and those are my belief in my instinct, my body and our daughter that despite a 12% weight loss at day five there was no need to bow to the pressure to top her up with formula and then there is my post two year wobble with Teeny when, for a while, I wasn’t even sure how I felt about our continuing journey because breastfeeding past infancy/ natural term breastfeeding are not without their own challenges. 

 

Then of course I feel completely blessed; blessed to have had straight forward births, no medical complications and the best support from my husband, our families and the overwhelming majority of midwives and health visitors who cared for us which made our breastfeeding journey possible.

 

I’m also full of excitement; excited to watch Teeny grow and to get to know the boy and man he is set to become.  We have so many more milestones to reach together and we are just at a cross roads at the moment, not a dead end.  

 

Then of course I am excited about the journey that having been a breastfeeding mama continues to take me on; I might be at the end of my own breastfeeding journey, but as a salaried and volunteer NHS breastfeeding peer supporter and vice chair of our local hospital’s MSLC I have the huge privilege of being able to support families at the start of their journey into breastfeeding and parenthood.   This is just the beginning of another journey for me and at the moment I am unsure of the destination, but I hope it will be as long and fulfilling as my own breastfeeding journey with many a twist and turn along the way and without being a breastfeeding mama I would never have taken this amazing path in life.

 

Finally and importantly I feel immense gratitude for my babies who were the catalyst for an amazing journey that continues despite those babies no longer being breastfed and of course I am grateful to everybody who has encouraged, supported, empowered, educated and reached out to me throughout this journey and even to those who have judged or criticised because those judgements and criticisms only serve to make me more determined to be the change.

 

 

21/52 WOOLACOMBE 2014

 

5/52

Logan's Birthday Party

Grandad's bodywarmer

I want to be just like my brother

Sunday Afternoon Snuggles

Quick kiss

1/52 A NEW YEAR AND A NEW PROJECT

Those of you who follow this blog will know that I really struggled to keep up with my 365 project last year and that I still have what feels like a million photographs in folders on the laptop that I am still ploughing away at blogging so there was always going to be very little chance of me undertaking another one this year.  However despite my 2013 365 project not being what I had hoped it would be I hate the idea of not having a project to focus me on photographing and blogging the moments of delight in our everyday life and so this year I have scaled down the project somewhat to a 52 project.  This project will probably mostly be focused on the children, but certainly not limited to the children as it was last year; it will simply be one post at the end of each week containing some our favourite photographs and moments from the past week.

 

So here is 1/52.  Enjoy!

 

Happy New Year

Breastfeeding

Selfie

Brotherly love

Bathtime antics

Nigh' nigh'!

'Ello, I'm on the phone!

FROM UNDER THE TABLE......

D - 365

......I watch you concentrate so hard on writing your letters.  Reading and writing does not come as easily to you as it does to your sister, but you are doing so well and you always try your best which is all anybody can ever ask of you.  Be so very proud of yourself my sweet boy because we certainly are.

STAYING CLOSE

A - 365
D - 365

Our sofa can seat four easily and five if need be, but this is how you two always sit on it; as close to each other as is utterly possible and normally snuggled up or holding hands.  It amazes  that sometimes I spend the whole day playing referee with you two and yet within seconds you can go from winding each other up like springs to being snuggled up tightly together.  You two are the luckiest to be twins and to always have each other.

STICKERS

A - 365

D - 365

A&D have both been getting stickers from school for doing well at things which has, in turn, prompted them to play teachers with their own stickers.  Here D waits to be given the sticker which A is so carefully choosing for him.

IN THE DRIVING SEAT...

D - 365

...with your sister running alongside.

TEAM PHOTO

D - 365

You two have taken to "playing football", although I use the term loosely given that it usually means you kicking the ball to each other and your sister dictating when a goal is scored (obviously that would be every time she kicks it to you and never when you kick it to her).  You are getting a little less tolerant of her being in charge though so I fear I may be handing out a lot of red cards soon, but for now here is the post match photograph.

IN THE SAFEST OF HANDS

D - 365

Just as we are about to leave the park you two go on this rocker together.  You two can bicker with the best of them, but when it matters she has both arms wrapped around you and you instinctively lean into her for reassurance.  As much as she often drives you crazy you would be lost without her.

TOO EXCITED FOR SLEEP

A - 365
D - 365

We're going on holiday to the Isle of Wight tomorrow and you two are far too excited for sleep.  It could be a long night!

FITS OF GIGGLES

D - 365

You and you sister have a bond that can never be broken, no more so that when you are mid giggling fit for a reason unbeknown to anyone other than the two of you.  How special it must be to be a twin.

SIBLING RIVALRY?

D - 365

I know she isn't always kind to you, but there's no denying that she really does love you and would be completely lost without you.  Never forget that my gentle soul.

SPORTSMANSHIP

A - 365

For sports day at nursery today you competed in each of your family groups.  It was so cute how afterwards you went straight over to your brother for a congratulatory cuddle.  It's moments like these that cleanse my mind of all of the bickering and teasing and make me think about how amazing it must be to be a twin.

BREASTFEEDING AWARENESS WEEK 2013 - DAY ONE

So today and for the rest of the week, in honour of Breastfeeding Awareness Week which seems to be being celebrated at varying times throughout the month of June, I will be posting a breastfeeding photo per day.

So here is today's...

 

This is one of only two photographs I think I have of me feeding A&D and I think I may have posted it elsewhere on this blog at some point.  My mother in law took both of the photographs I have when A&D were just four days old (I think!) and at the time I hated them because breastfeeding and being a mommy was very new to me and I was oh so very aware of being completely exposed. 

 

How times change, now I am eternally grateful for those two very precious photographs.  I will get my boobs out anywhere (for a baby who needs feeding) and couldn't care less what people think.  Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now.

AFTERNOON CHILL

D - 91/365

When you two are tired and need to wind down I often find you cuddled up like this on the sofa.*  I hope that in years to come I still find you chilling out together like this.

 

*Ha ha! As I type this I can hear you downstairs screeching at each other about something and the sight of this photograph is the only thing keeping me calm!

ARE THEY IDENTICAL?

D -  72/365

If I had £1 for every time somebody asked me if you and your sister were identical I would be a very rich lady.  (You are a boy and she is a girl so clearly not!!)  Most days I don't even think you look alike and I generally think that your little brother looks more like your sister than you.  Look at this photo though; it is one of only a handful of moments where, aside from the difference in your colouring, I can really see how alike you are.

TWO EXTREMES

A - 72/365

Lately you two have a real love-hate relationship.  Some days you are so affectionate towards each other and other days all you do is bicker from the minute you get up to the minute you go to bed.  Looking at you snuggling into you brother (who has cheekily jumped into bed with you) here you would never believe that the love-hate relationship was at all possible.

ON A SWING MADE FOR ONE

A - 64/365

You always have to be doing whatever your brother wants to do and vice versa.  So of course, because you were on the swing, he had to come and squeeze himself on to swing with you, much to your amusement!

TAG TEAM

A - 63/365

Look at you and Skyla tag teaming your brother here; you two can sometimes be so mischievous together.  D has no chance of getting off that seat in one piece while you two are shaking it so vigorously so, apart from the occasional wail to signal a near falling off, he just calmly sits it out until you get bored which he knows won't take long.